The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
