Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
