Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
