there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
