My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
