Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
