Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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