We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
