I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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