i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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