3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
