i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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