you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
