honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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