we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
pray to the hookup gods
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
