she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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