life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
