Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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