I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize