Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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