I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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