rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
