just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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