I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
