smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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