i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize