I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You are the jesus of drinking
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
