bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just had sex on a roof
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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