I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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