Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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