i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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