happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
