and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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