Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
