remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
