Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
