So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
