oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
