i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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