WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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