What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I deserve this hangover.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
