Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
