my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
