you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
