I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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