Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
