wanna go halves on a baby?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize