we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
