how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
