she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
