we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
