Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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