Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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