she was so not down for the gang bang
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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