I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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