you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
