Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
