I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
