and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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