were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
