He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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